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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 7, 2012 6:55pm-7:25pm PDT

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my d.n.a. has been sent into space. and i drink so much tang that i sweat orange powder. saves me money on talc. now, sadly, nasa's budget has been slashed to the bone. i believe we have footage of their new low-cost g-force testing facility. (cheers and applause) houston, we have a drinking problem. (laughter) now, thankfully, the private sector has stepped in to keep us traveling to the stars. >> the company is offering a chance to pick up and move to mars. the idea is to first send robots to find a good site for a settlement there. every two years after that another group will join the settlement to populate the colony. the company plans to pay for a whole thing by turning the whole process into a reality show. >> stephen: it will be like "the real world" in zero gravity. where a houseful of hip, young
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people learn what it's like to have the bone density of an 80-year-old. (laughter) , now this is no joke, folks, because the company, mars 1, is backed by a nobel prize winning physicist gerard 't hooft. which sounds like a strange name until you learn that he is, in fact, hooft. sort of a pity nobel. (laughter) you see, taxpayers are tired of funding interplanetary missions to understand the origin of our solar system. but you toss together a bunch of emotionally stunted sexy singles with some celebrities in an extra trest krao *el traoel geodesic dome, that's drama. i mean, who wouldn't tune in to watch vanilla ice die of hypoxia? (laughter) now, you thought summer in a beach house on the jersey shore
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was rivetting, wait until taylor hicks leaves the seat up on the vacuum toilet and brenda is sucked into the silent void of space. (laughter) that is raining gold! i'm tuning in. of course, the biggest event in the universe happened last night in wisconsin. possibly the most significant moment for that state since the discovery of elastic jeans. (laughter) yes, all eyes last night all eyes were on america's dairyland, the badger state. warning. >> do not attempt to milk a badger. (laughter) trust me. now, as you know, wisconsin governor and only boy in home room not to receive a valentine scott walker. (laughter) faced a recall against milwaukee mayor i can't remember his name. the recall was sparked by last year's massive protests over walker eliminating collective bargaining for teachers unions. well, the results are in and
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walker crushed what's his face by seven points! suck it, people who educate our children! (laughter) but, folks, this wisconsin election wasn't about something as trivial as just wisconsin. jim? >> all eyes are on the great state of wisconsin. the recall race expected to set a national trend in this presidential election year. >> it's the second-most important election this year and it's going on right now. >> the wisconsin gubernatorial recall election will have a major impact on every race in america for generations to come. >> it's a precursor election. 1979 maggie thatcher swept into power in england, took on the unions and what followed? ronald reagan. i think this is only five months but i think five months from now we'll see as reagan followed thatcher mitt romney will follow scott walker. >> stephen: exactly! wisconsin is england, scott walker is margaret thatcher. (laughter) the public school teachers are the british mining union which is makes barack obama ili elliot!
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oh no! no! no! damn it stkpwr-frpblts damn it! he'll capture our hearts with his graceful yes, sir masculine dancing. (laughter) the point is, this was such a big deal it attracted cable news hreb tritttys like neil cavuto, ed schultz and brett bear who could pass the "your neck must be this thick to enter wisconsin" sign. (laughter) now, everybody who was anybody was all in on this badger state election-- except one. >> where is president obama? president obama isn't stopping istoppingin wisconsin this week. >> yes, wisconsin did not get a visit from the president. this is the most insulting thing to happen to the state since someone declares this milwaukee's best. (laughter) but folks i'm not surprised.
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see, obama knew the writing was already on the wall-- and not just for him. >> i think this is a repudiation of big unions, number one, big labor. the unions knew they were losing after 2010, they've thrown everything into this and they're losing. >> this shows the irrelevance of unions. at this point... i've said they're obsolete. >> stephen: whoo! we did it! it is the end of unions! whoo! (cheers and applause) whoo! whoo! whoo! whoo! jimmy, jimmy, we talked about this, where's my balloon toss? >> stephen, a lot of union people work on this show and they're kind of upset. >> stephen: is that true? (laughter) all right, all right, i understand. i guess that. but you lost, okay? so let's be professional about it. it's my show. drop something. (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) messaged received. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) my name is jon moeller. i'm from texas a&m university.
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i'm using my laptop to help create a touchscreen out of thin air. my name is meredith perry. i'm working on a way to charge devices wirelessly we're using our laptops to defy gravity. i'm julia... ...and i'm jessica. and we're using our laptops to turn soccer balls... ...into a power source. when the technology's right, anything can happen. vo: trade in your old electronics for a best buy gift card... and trade up to a new ultrabook. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back,
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everybody, thank you so much. folks i've got to say, i don't know about you, but i am still all aglow over america's victory in wisconsin. and when you think of wisconsin you hi of small towns, bastions of old-fashioned values like trust and honesty. that's why they're so easily taken advantage of by music men. (laughter) but in these hard times many small towns are losing their moral compass. that's why tonight i am proud to profile one man who is fighting back. "the colbert report's" stephen colbert file this is report. a crime tsunami is crashing over small-town america. but in arkansas there's a new sheriff in town. >> i'm sometimes compared to the sheriff... i say it like this, i'm the hired gun. i come in and try to clean up the town. >> stephen: his name is pastor larry johnson and he is a difference maker.
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(cheers and applause) bald knob, arkansas. it looks like any other small town in america's heart land. but throbbing just beneath the skin of bald knob is an old problem. a very old problem. >> (laughs) >> i do see moral failings in senior citizens. they are not immune. they have fights and they lie and cheat. >> stephen: we all know the dangers the elderly present. but you won't believe what the bald knob seniors are doing now. gambling. gambling. and that gambling has a name. b- n-n-g-o and danger is its
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name-o. >> bingo! >> bingo is gambling. it leads to other crimes so it really becomes a problem. >> we had a bingo game for the seniors in bald knob. >> director of the white county aging program and senior going go pusher cindy keating. >> bingo is very important for the senior citizens because they have the time for socialization and to get out together and have a good time. >> stephen: right? any other reasons, cindy? >> they paid a dollar to play bingo. >> stephen: a dollar! and we all know where dollars go! go. >> the proceeds went to the black county aging program. >> we have a lot of fun. >> it starts off as fun but it can lead to other problems. vandalism, methamphetamine, burglary, crack cocaine,
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suicide, destroys family. granny even had sex. >> bingo! >> stephen: bald knob mayor doyle wallace understand it is bingo menace. >> gambling is not right. gambling is a sin. >> and these sinning seniors are hooked. >> it gets in your blood. >> exhilarating. >> when i get bingo, oh, i get all excited. >> well when they holler bingo real loud, i like that. i like the feel of that. >> stephen: a compelling argument but pastor johnson mows bingo is not just fun and games. >> if money is being wagered and there's money being lost and money being won then it becomes morally wrong. >> and when these bingo junkies run out of money, you won't believe what they wager instead. >> things like trash bags, laundry soap big boxes of serial. >> sometimes shampoo. sometimes washing powders.
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sometimes lettuce. >> sometimes snack chips. sometimes assorted spices. sometimes a single serving of corn flakes. sometimes another single serving of corn flakes. and sometimes creamer. not to mention... >> knickknacks, things, what not. >> knickknack things and what not. the reverend bald knob johnson took action. >> i wrote a letter. i basically asked that they not have the bingo parlor in our backyard and the city council rescinded the world for them to allow bingo to be played in the senior citizen complex. >> stephen: in other words... >> they shut us down. some of the people they socialize went back home and we're giving them home delivered meal. >> it helped fill an empty space in my life coming here. >> i get bored and lonely sitting in my room sitting by myself all day long. >> but at least you're not
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playing bingo and it's made all the difference in the world to the streets of bald knob. difference made. >> bingo! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: we'll be right back. do you see it ? there it is ! there it is ! where ? where ? it's getting away ! where is it ? it's gone. we'll find it. any day can be an adventure. that's why we got a subaru. love wherever the road takes you. wow, there it is.
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hispering) this is so great, date night. just the three of us. i'm just sayin'. and this is such a good movie too. i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... shhh! ...did it. are you... would you be quiet? would you be quiet and move your gigantic head? it's like hello? i can't see the screen. dude. ah! hey, was that jordon? whoa! that's cold. now all hanes underwear is tagless. go tagless.
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>> stephen: hey now! welcome back, everyone! my guest tonight is hosting the tony awards for the third time.
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big deal, i'm hosting the show for the 1,44thth time. please welcome neil patrick harris. (cheers and applause) neil, good to see you again nice to see you again, you clean up nice! >> thank you, you as well. >> stephen: it's weird to see you here. >> i'll say! (laughter). >> stephen: because i'm used to seeing you when we're both on stage at lincoln center. >> that's right. >> stephen: in front of thousands of cheering people. >> adoring fans. adoring sondheim fans. >> stephen: and sondheim in the front row. >> giving notes. in the middle of songs. >> stephen: uh-uh. >> people don't know we did "company" together. >> we did. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and we're a little
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bit friends. >> yes, can i see that i find you a threat? >> go on. >> stephen: you're the classic triple threat. you're an actor, singer, dancer. >> okay. >> stephen: but you're also the biggest threat of all, you're a gay person i like. (laughter) (cheers and applause) your threat is that you make being gay not seem threatening. (laughter) it's almost as if your happiness does not take my happiness away. (laughter) do you admit that you're a likable gay person? do you admit that crime? >> i gladly admit that. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's your plan. >> yeah, to seem acceptable. >> >> stephenso what do you take f? stephen: you seem to have a committed relationship.
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you have a couple lovely kids you seem to treat well. i always see pictures of you like balancing your kid on one hand. >> it's a circus trick! >> stephen: you do! you juggle your children. >> i do. i do. i wish we had triplets so it would be a better... (laughter). >> stephen: you're also hosting the tonies. >> indeed. >> stephen: this sunday night on animal planet. (laughter) check your local listings. (laughter). >> stephen: why do you do theater? because you do t.v., do movies. going back to do theater, that's like, you know, having like a sports car but occasionally you get on one of those penny fartherrings with a big wheel in front and the little wheel in back. why do you want to do it? >> well, i think probably because of that. when you're doing t.v. or something else you're only performing to a very small group of people in the studio and you don't get any kind of media see, you don't see it all the way through, either acting on it or observing it and when you come
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to new york and see a broadway show there's a thousand people in the audience and everyone is watching the same show so i admire the actors and singers and dancers doing it every single performance, twice on saturday, twice on wednesday and i admire it as an audience member. i just think that that's a cool, like, physical feat. they're more athletes to me than they are... >> stephen: do you think the olympics should allow theater? (laughter) >> it would be a tremendous olympic event. >> stephen: you could medal in jazz hands. (laughter) now you're... you're hosting this weekend. who are... what are the big shows that have got... who should win? make some enemies on broadway right now. who should win? >> well, it's an interesting year because you normally know who's going to win. we knew pretty much that "book of mormon" would win last year. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: my theory they're going to win again this year. >> they might. >> stephen: it's that big. >> there's a show called "once"
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based on the movie "once." it's like a cool smallish independent musical that's gotten a lot of great response. it's against the disney juggernaut "news zis" based on the not so successful movie newsies." (laughter) and it's a giant successful musical so these two are in competition. >> stephen: i'll tell you what i'm pulling for. >> what's that? >> stephen: i'm pulling for "jesus christ, superstar." >> why in the world... >> stephen: it is the least gay musical because it's got jesus in it, okay? just this one guy with great kwra *bs hangingreat abshangings buddies. >> nothing gay about that at all. >> stephen: neil are you in any of the musical this is year? >> (laughs) i'm not in my any of the musical this is year. >> stephen: you're not? >> no. >> stephen: why not? >> i'm doing a t.v. show. >> stephen: you play barty simpson on that show, right?
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(cheers and applause) >> yes, i do. >> stephen: that's another reason why you're a threat because s because you're very, very convincing as a straight guy in that. >> right on. (laughter) >> stephen: right on because only straight guys say right on, right? did you slip into character right there? >> gay guys say "damn skippy!" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. but if i didn't know any better i would think that you were a straight guy, that's how good of an actor you are. who else in hollywood is gay? (laughter) don't know? >> there's a couple. there's a few of them. >> stephen: names? clinton eastwood? >> he's super gay. super, super gay. >> stephen: well, i want to thank you. i want to thank you... i want to thank you so much for being here. >> i want to thank you for allowing a gay man on your show. >> stephen: you know what? it's a first. >> i don't think so!
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. neil patrick harris hosting the tonies this sunday on cbs. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. nation am a huge and long-time fan of sci-fi which, of course, is short for sci-fiction.
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(laughter) today sci-fi lost one of its greats. ray bradbury. author of such classics as "fahrenheit 451," "the martian chronicles" and "the illustrated man." his work introduced us to fantastic far off worlds and bizarre futures yet in his work nothing was stranger than what he found hidden in the human mind. so tonight i want to honor his memory in a way i'm sure he would appreciate-- by burning this copy of farren fight 451. (cheers and applause) ray, this one's for you. (laughter) whatever strange world you're in now, i hope it's an inter... as entertaining as the ones you created for us. good night. (cheers and applause)
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june 6, 2012. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. you know who's going to be here? michael fass bender is going to be joining us from the new ridley scott film "prometheus." true story, the original title was "space is nice." (cheers and applause) and then they thought, what about "prometheus"? and people were like hmm. (laughter) let's start tonight, of course, in wisconsin in our latest installment of... ♪ ♪